Free Will
by UrNodens
Summary: After the rebirth of the world, the Savior of Man finds many new challenges and possibilities before him. An old idea, done in what I hope is a new way. Rated for violence, romance, implied sexuality, and language. Shinji x Kaworu. Adventure, Romance.
1. The beginning, all over again

_"If you don't get close to others, you won't be betrayed, and you won't hurt each other.  
However, neither will you forget what loneliness is. Man can never make loneliness disappear  
because man is alone, but man can forget. So man can find the will to live."  
Kaworu Nagisa_

_"I am formed by my interactions with others.  
They create me as I create them."  
Rei Ayanami_

**Free Will**  
A Neon Genesis: Evangelion Story.

**Chapter 1: The beginning, all over again.**

**Tabris**

I'll be the first to say it: the End of the World wasn't nearly as final as one would expect. I was there, of course. I helped make it happen, when even she – my counterpart, almost a sister of sorts – couldn't do it alone. Of course, I had the advantage of knowing mankind's destroyer. I had the advantage of having loved him, gained his trust… but that's all old news now. They finally pushed him past the limit, made him lash out in blind anger… and we were all gone. I remember smiling down at his father, watching the bastard slip away from this world as reality crumbled around me.

Do you know what the apocalypse sounds like? Let me tell you. It is nothing short of a symphony. Ironic that man's unmaking could be so beautiful, but then… it's not even a patch on how amazing his rebirth would be. You see, the 'end' was really only the beginning, as paradoxical and cliché as that may sound. When the boy I loved, Shinji Ikari, ripped this world apart, the minds of all those he knew came to touch his own, and from their thoughts he gained an understanding of life and an acceptance of himself. He chose life. Not just for himself, but for the whole of his race.

That's where this becomes my story again. You see, I was born to be an Angel. Yes, the Angel of Free Will. In the old world, that made me a messenger of destruction… but that was before Shinji took the divine gift of _En Soph_ and transformed the world into a new place of hope and promise. Having quite literally become _Deus ex Machina_, Shinji was finally free to live in a world of his own making. He could have made it an ideal, perfect place… but instead he restored things to the way they were. He gave everyone another chance, even his damned father. The one difference… is that we Angels were no longer man's antithesis. Indeed, many of us don't exist anymore at all. However, for those who tread this world again, things may never be the same.

Whatever happens, I can finally stretch my wings again.

God bless you, Shinji.

**Welcome home.**

"Why this?"

"What?"

"You could have created anything, any new world… why this one, Shinji? What made you decide to leave everything… as it was?"

"Oh. Well, I guess I just thought this world deserved another chance. It's… not such a bad place, after all." Shinji Ikari smiled, turning to look at her.

Misato Katsuragi felt her self smiling back before she even thought about it, and impulsively leaned over to give the teenager a hug. For once, he didn't pull away. She asked, "Do you think anyone else will remember?"

"Probably not. Maybe Asuka, or Rei… but I think most people will just go one with their lives like nothing happened," was his thoughtful reply.

"What about NERV? What purpose could it have in a world without Angels?"

"Some things are different," Shinji admitted, "But NERV is still there, just now it's the 'National Environmental Restoration Venture.' They're cleaning up after the mess Second Impact left…"

"Second Impact?" Misato shook her head, "But Shinji, if there are no Angels, how could there be a Second Impact at all?"

He blushed a bit, and explained, "Well, I didn't know how to picture the world without it… so I just decided all the propaganda was true, and it really was a giant meteor strike…"

"I see…" She sighed, but still had a faint, lopsided smile for him. "Well, it's not a perfect world… but then, I guess that's the whole point, huh? Life's no more and no less than what we make it."

"Um… that's the idea, yeah," Shinji answered, still looking embarrassed. "I… probably could have done better…"

Laughing, she gave him a playful cuff on the shoulder. "You saved the whole world, Shinji. I don't think anyone would have any room to complain, even if they knew about it."

"I guess that's true… but I'm just as glad nobody knows. I didn't like being a celebrity much, even when I was an Eva pilot."

Misato nodded and turned to look out over the city below them. The pair of them were standing on a grassy green hill, overlooking the sparkling white towers of Tokyo-3, the most impressive city of the 21st century. She'd once reminded Shinji that this was the city he'd saved, and now he'd done so much more… and yet, she thought, it seemed a much more unreasonable thing to ask Shinji to go against his nature and fight than it was to ask him simply to live.

"Misato?"

"Yes, Shinji?"

"We… that is, I wanted to say…"

"Yes?"

"Welcome home, Misato."

As she hugged Shinji once more, she felt a silent tear of joy slide down her cheek. She whispered back her reply, "Welcome home, Shinji."

**The End of the Beginning.**

The apartment was the same. Boxes were piled everywhere from Misato's recent move, just like on that day when he'd first arrived. Cramped and messy, it felt just right. All the same, he was glad when Misato decided to clean the place up. Kensuke and Toji were there to help, eager as always to spend time near his guardian. Some rational corner of his mind speculated that he should not yet be acquainted with the odd pair, but Shinji couldn't help thinking of them as his friends, and so they were.

His perceptions had impacted the new reality on many levels. More than that, they had defined it. He really didn't know why his mind had made some things turn out as they had. While Toji's leg had been restored and Asuka was back in Germany living happily with both of her birth parents, his own mother, Yui, was still dead. His relationship with his father was still rather estranged at best. Apparently there again his perceptions had superceded his desires, and he'd simply kept most of his life the same way it had always been. The difference was, now he accepted it. For the first time, he found he could take joy in living, simply for living's sake.

Even those things that were very different bore signs of familiarity. While Asuka was no longer his roommate, they kept in touch via email and occasional telephone calls, and Rei Ayanami was now staying in the other bedroom. She was still a quiet, serious girl with wisdom beyond her years, but her soft, beautiful smile was a lot more common these days. In many ways, Rei seemed to be a slightly older sister, no longer reminding him of a 'doll' or a puppet. She could always make him laugh, when she wanted to. Who would have expected that Rei could be funny? It still made him laugh a little whenever she or Asuka called him 'Third Child.'

Then there were the others. Ryoji Kaji was still a secret agent of sorts who enjoyed gardening. Actually, Shinji suspected that the roguish Kaji had plans for Misato that would mean the end to her bachelorette lifestyle. Ritsuko Akagi and Maya Ibuki both worked with his father, Gendo Ikari, at NERV. Apparently they had high hopes for restoring a lot of the damage done to Earth by the meteor strike, which was all that had remained of Second Impact.

As for Shinji, himself, he was going to school. However, instead of learning nothing more than dry facts about life before Second Impact, he was studying art, science, music, and literature. He hadn't quite decided what he wanted to do with his life once he 'grew up,' but somehow he felt obligated to understand everything he could about higher learning. He wanted to be part of the world, not just a bystander. Of course, he had to attribute at least a bit of his enthusiasm for learning to Misato. Since switching to inactive military duty, she had pulled some strings, somewhere to become teacher of his class. And she was actually good at it.

Whatever else happened, the next few years were definitely going to be an interesting time to be alive.

**_To be continued…_**

**Author's Comments: **

Okay, and that's it for the prologue chapter. Just settling things into the quiet lull after Shinji ended and restored the world. Next, I start in on the story proper. Things should hopefully get interesting pretty soon, as I'm hoping to avoid being 'just another post-movie Eva fic.' Anyhow, reviews would be most appreciated – good, bad, or ugly!


	2. The messenger, from a clear blue sky

_"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,  
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."  
William Shakespeare, "Hamlet", Act 1 scene 5_

**Free Will**  
A Neon Genesis: Evangelion Story.

**Chapter 2: The messenger, from a clear blue sky.**

March 18, 2021, Tuesday. The day after Saint Patrick's Day. Twenty years had passed since Second Impact, and five since the third – not that anyone really remembered Third Impact. The world had lived and changed with hardly a ripple to indicate that it was ended and remade, only without Adam ever appearing. Nineteen-year-old Shinji Ikari was not officially old enough to drink, according to the laws of the United States, but that had hardly stopped him from allowing his friends to take him to a bar for the holiday. "The bar" was a little hole-in-the-wall pub in San Francisco called the Down Under. It was decorated with various Australian memorabilia, but it was a Thai bar, and frequented mostly by Asians. To make the cultural melting pot just a bit more striking, the previous night's slogan had been "Today, everybody's Irish!" Somewhere between Japan, Australia, Thailand, and Ireland Shinji had downed about half a dozen too many drinks over the course of the evening. Whatever that last one was – a Tokyo Mai Tai, or a Blue Elephant? Whichever it was, it seemed to be the likely candidate for why he had no idea how he got home. At any rate, he was blaming the Blue Elephant. It was a lousy name for a drink, anyway. He rolled off of his mattress on the floor of the single room he rented from a townhouse – on Uranus Ave, which drew no small measure of amused commentary from his friends. It was a small room, but he was grateful to have the space to himself. His father was a wealthy man and only too happy to pay for his son to attend university in America, but Shinji took as little money from Gendo Ikari as he could. The would-be "Savior of Mankind" much preferred a humble existence, getting by on his own merits.

Well, he certainly felt humble this morning. He staggered down the narrow hall and breathed a silent prayer of thanks to whatever gods might be listening – whoever filled in for Dionysius when he was hung over, most likely – that the bathroom was free. It took a bit of yanking to get the door open and then closed again, as the building was quite old and many things no longer fit quite right. Normally, this suited Shinji fine, but at the moment he could hardly even see straight. The bathroom had been renovated by a previous occupant, who must have been some sort of eccentric artist as now the floor and walls were a mosaic of swirling colors and the ceiling resembled swirling, abstract clouds. Shinji had never met the person, whoever they were. He forced the bathroom window open with a muttered curse, shoving an empty toilet paper roll into the gap to keep it from falling shut, then reached into the little brick booth of a shower to turn on the hot water. He shed his clothes, wondering vaguely about the kanji characters for "big spender" being written on his forearms in sharpie, and finally stepped into the shower and let the rising steam carry him off to a much happier place. The water was too hot, turning his skin beet red in just a few moments, but he hardly minded. The heat felt good and helped clear his head. After a time, he reluctantly twisted the cold water handle, and then let out a yelp as the water turned to ice. Damned old plumbing, he thought. By the time he got the water to a reasonable warm temperature, he had finished shampooing his head one-handed, and fumbled around with his body scrub. Finally, he rinsed off with cold water, then turned it off and stepped carefully out of the shower onto the bath mat.

Wiping a hand across the steam-fogged mirror, Shinji was greeted by his own reflection. He had never become terribly tall, topping out at not quite five and a half feet tall, which was fairly average for Japanese men but quite short in America. As Toji Suzuhara had once so eloquently put it, Shinji had used to be "built like half a pipe cleaner." Though still rather slender, he had actually managed to fill out enough to add some lean muscle mass. He had never changed his schoolboy haircut, another thing that drew critical commentary from Toji, and his eyes were the same deep blue as sever. Suzuhara was always telling him to develop a sense of style, but Shinji still preferred jeans and polo shirts. He had never cared much about his appearance, though he was fairly meticulous about hygiene. He hated shaving, though. Fortunately, his "razor" – which had no actual blades, since they were all laser-based now – made it impossible to cut himself, but Shinji absolutely hated the smell of singed hair. He made his way back down the hallway in a towel, ducking into his room just in time to avoid Mary. She was one of his housemates, and a frustrated painter. He had no idea where she made her money, since it certainly was not selling paintings, but she was invariably up all night, and just going to bed when he was preparing to leave in the morning. She also had a worse temper than Asuka – well, on bad days at least – and delighted in making other people just a bit more miserable. Maybe avoiding her was a kind of running away, but to Shinji's mind it was just a survival tactic. She was just no fun to talk to. He hastily dressed, ending up with a dark green shirt and the same blue jeans as always, grabbed his book bag and digital music player, and headed back out into the hall. He locked his door, smirked again at the sign on it – a present from Misato – which read, in kanji, "Shin-chan's Room." Then he stepped into his shoes and was out the front door, locked it as well, and then went down the front steps to the sidewalk below. Their apartment was really the upper floor of an old townhouse, over a corner market. He stopped in to buy some light breakfast, then walked to the nearest MUNI – municipal mass transit station – and caught a ride closer to school.

He made it to class on time, and ended up sitting in the back of the lecture halls all day – he still had a touch of hangover, after all. He was not normally much of a drinker, especially on school nights, but every now and then everybody needs to cut loose. Still, the reminder that his fun had come at a price made it all seem a little less worthwhile. As for classes, he was enrolled in English, a few music and art classes, and a survey course of psychology. He really had no idea what he wanted to major in, so he had just been studying English to improve his speaking and reading skills, and then taking whatever else seemed interesting. History and mathematics were of no particular interest, though he did find himself curious about several types of science. Next semester, he planned to try at least one natural science and one life science. That might help him decide. Compared to the slow days of school back in Tokyo-3, school here seemed very fast-paced, and he actually managed to enjoy himself most of the time. Today he was a bit more subdued, and almost fell asleep once in his English class as he really could not see why Shakespeare was worth reading. The man did _not _write in any form of English Shinji could make sense of, and his plays all seemed to depend on confusing humor or contrived tragedies. He resolved to pick up a Japanese translation, and see if he could understand it a bit better then. He ate lunch at the student union, and afterwards salvaged some measure of contentment as he lost himself in an old favorite during his music class. The _Ode to Joy_ had a bittersweet meaning attached to it, but he found it always soothed his spirits, despite whatever memories might be attached to it. Feeling much more collected, he went on to his Tai Chi practice after school and wound up feeling much more centered and at peace with the world around him by the time he had to go to work.

Shinji walked a short distance to one of the ten thousand or so coffee shops that littered the streets of the city, let himself in through the back door, and went to his locker in the employee lounge. He stowed his backpack and put on his apron, clocking in at five minutes to five o'clock. It was a subdued sort of place, at a glance. A very narrow store front opened up into a somewhat larger area with a bar along one side, with small round tables scattered about and a small podium in one far corner. You could actually only barely see the place from the street, as it was half hidden by a tree and the stairs of a neighboring building, and this had inspired the owner, who Shinji had never met, to call the place "The Hole in the Wall Café." There were a lot of potted plants, mainly flowers, and every wall was painted over with a mural. The owner – Shinji had only ever heard her referred to as "Daphne" – was a reasonably talented artist, and she had created cloudscapes on all of the walls, in a swirling, almost Van Gogh sort of style. The carpet was dark blue and the ceiling white, with most of the furniture dark stained wood. It would be a busy night, as Tuesdays and Thursdays were "open mike," meaning anyone could come in and sing, play music, or recite poetry. It usually drew a small crowd, and since the only other person working tonight was a blond girl named Nikki who seemed to spend as much time chatting with customers as actually serving them, Shinji expected to be rather busy this evening. He did not mind this so much, as it meant things would go by quickly, but he knew he would be tired by the time he got home.

Part of Shinji's growing sense of vague discontentment was centered in the fact that he was surrounded by people who he did not know. Oh, he could recall their names and faces, but he never held conversations with any of them. He had no idea who any of them were as _people_. Perhaps it was no surprise that he, who had circumstantially stood in judgment over all mankind, would find it hard to relate to others. The petty concerns of fingernails, casual sex, or gossip simply held no interest for him. Certainly he could understand frustration with life, but he no longer allowed it to consume him. The part which troubled him was that he seldom let anything consume his passions anymore. He had nothing to fight for, nothing to fear, but also nothing to live for. He simply existed in a state of moderate contentment, but without feeling engaged by his life, or even wholly fulfilled. Something was missing, and it was nothing he could simply identify. He had, of course, dated many people. He and Asuka had even tried to have a relationship, but it lasted only long enough for each of them to decide that they were being absolutely silly. She was back in Tokyo-3 and working for NERV again, now trying to improve the environment on a global scale. Sooner or later, he expected she would finish all the necessary school to add the word "Doctor" to the beginning of her name, but Shinji honestly had no idea how much further she needed to go with that. He was just glad she had found something to pursue that made her happy.

This brought him back to his problem. Toji, who was attending school nearby as well, insisted that Shinji needed to get laid. It was nothing so simple, though. Shinji was not unhappy. It was simply… how had Misato once put it? "Not the happiness I want?" While happy with _who__ he was_ and finding meaning in existence, Shinji felt no connection to most other human beings. His friends were different, certainly, but they also had their own lives and concerns, and more importantly, none of them understood how he felt. For a brief, shining moment he had touched all other human minds, lives, and souls in existence. He had been part of everyone, even as they were part of him. Now, he was isolated, and unable to find any real connection. It was as if he had left some part of himself behind, chosen to become empty so that others could find their own completion. He supposed there was simply no real solution other than to adapt, and so he had. These were his thoughts as the night became increasingly busy, and streams of people poured into the coffee shop. As things became more hectic, Shinji forgot his earlier pensiveness and settled into the somewhat nerve-racking routine that is customer service. Every third customer or so had some particular stupidity that only manifested when ordering food or drink from him, and the lady that came in around a quarter past eight was no exception.

"Excuse me, young man?" She was an older woman, sixty or so, in a peacock blue coat and with a nose like a hawk's beak. Her voice reminded him of an impression he once heard Misato do of the "Queen of England." Shinji had no idea what the queen actually sounded like, but Misato's version had been rather snooty and overbearing.

"Yes, ma'am?" he asked, trying to sound helpful.

"I ordered this latte with extra chocolate, but I don't think there's _any_ chocolate in here at all. I asked for _extra_, not _none_." Shinji stared at the woman for a moment as another group of people slipped into the crowded room through the doorway behind her.

Distracted as he was by the frustrating woman in the ugly blue coat, Shinji hardly noticed when yet another person took their place at the mike and started to sing. He certainly did not notice that their voice was incredibly beautiful, or that most of the room had fallen silent to listen. He was too busy trying to get the irate customer a drink that would satisfy her, and she was rather determined not to be satisfied. So, as the voice sang, Shinji only partly heard the lyrics, in drifting snippets…

_ Welcome to the planet  
Welcome to existence  
Everyone's here  
Everyone's here  
Everybody's watching you now  
Everybody waits for you now  
What happens next  
What happens next_

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's no chocolate in a latte," he explained. "Would you like to have a mocha instead?"

_ I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
Like today never happened  
Today never happened before_

"No. If I wanted a mocha then that's what I would have ordered! I want a café latte with extra chocolate!"

_ Welcome to the fallout  
Welcome to resistance  
The tension is here  
Tension is here  
Between who you are and who you could be  
Between how it is and how it should be_

"All right. Would you like me to add some chocolate to it for you, then?" Shinji finally turned to glance at the podium, picking up on the quieted room.

Then his heart seemed to stop and he suddenly felt as if he'd swallowed his tongue. He knew the person standing on the makeshift stage.

They were supposed to be dead.

_ Maybe redemption has stories to tell  
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell  
Where can you run to escape from yourself?  
Where you gonna go?  
Where you gonna go?_

"Young man, are you listening to me! I said, I don't want you to add chocolate, I want a drink made with chocolate!" Shinji had no answer for her, so he just picked up a mocha that Nikki had made for someone else, who had then returned it and specified that they wanted a white mocha, and handed the drink to her.

"Here," was all he said, turning his full attention to the stage. Her protests seemed to fade out completely, and he watched as the singer turned to smile at him.

Looking directly at Shinji, the pale young man beamed cheerfully and sang the last line of the verse…

_ Salvation is here_

The woman had left without paying for her drink, but Shinji could not have cared less. Instead, he just stared in surprise at the singer. It made sense, why had he not expected it? All the same, he knew he had not brought this person back. This person was not, nor had they ever been, a part of humanity.

No, this man was not like the others. This man was like no one Shinji had ever known before.

This man's blood was blue.

_ I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
Like today never happened  
Today never happened  
Today never happened  
Today never happened before_

As the song concluded, the man gave a little bow and then made his way to the bar. The next person got up and began to recite poetry, recapturing the audience's attention. Conversation began again quite abruptly, but Shinji was still staring in silence.

"Good evening," the man said. "Did you enjoy the song, Shinji-kun?"

All Shinji managed was to stare a bit longer, and then say lamely, "K… Kaworu?"

**_To be continued…_**

**Author's Comments: **

Okay, I know I haven't updated this in a long, long time, but recent comments made me decide… what the heck? So, here's another chapter. I've decided to move Shinji's life forward a bit and give the world a chance to "settle" by advancing the timeline. Also, this allows for a different dynamic as the characters are adults instead of children. I realize that I haven't gone in any "bold new directions" so far, but I plan to do more with this than simply showcase a character relationship.


	3. Barefoot in the park

_"If you're going to __San Francisco__, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair..."  
Scott MacKenzie, "__San Francisco__"_

**Free Will**  
A Neon Genesis: Evangelion Story.

**Chapter 3: Barefoot in the park.**

Shinji had stammered through a reply. He thought he might have said something about enjoying the song, but he really couldn't be sure. Everything seemed to be happening at different speeds, so that while the moment itself seemed to hang suspended in time, everything before and after was a blur. He knew he somehow managed to clock out – hopefully Nikki wouldn't be too swamped – and that he and Kaworu had left together. They walked together, and hopefully Kaworu knew where he was headed because Shinji wasn't even paying attention. He found himself recalling – of all things – those awkward moments they had once spent, sitting side-by-side in the bath at headquarters. Kaworu seemed content not to speak, and Shinji simply had no idea what to say. So they walked. Storefronts and sidewalk markets came into view and then fell away, and eventually they passed through the large stone archway into Golden Gate Park.

What do you tell the one person who ever claimed to love you… the person who wished for death… the person whose life you ended with your own hand? Human experience knew no answer for what Shinji had encountered, and so silence had reigned during the entire walk through the park. They now sat on a bridge over a small stream, their naked feet hanging over the edge to graze the surface. Occasionally Shinji would venture to dip a toe into the cold water, only to draw it back again quickly and curl it against the back of his other ankle to sooth his offended nerves. It really was just like that time in the NERV bathhouse, and Shinji even found himself looking down at his hand, resting on the wooden plank beside him, expecting Kaworu to cover it with his own. This sort of thinking drew a slow blush to his cheeks, and he looked quickly away. Noticing the sudden movement, the other boy smiled, reaching over to touch Shinji's shoulder.

"Have I troubled you, Shinji-kun?" Kaworu asked. His voice had matured, deepened somewhat, giving it a resonance which it had lacked in youth. Strangely, it made Shinji think of Kaji, the lover of his former guardian, Misato Katsuragi. Perhaps it was that unspoken, adult confidence in his tone, that knowing look in his rose-colored eye. As a young teenager, they had seemed whimsical on Kaworu. Now, with silver storm cloud hair longer than ever, they gave him a sensual presence that Shinji could not overlook.

"No," Shinji realized he was speaking only an instant after he had opened his mouth. He realized with relief that this was true. Kaworu's presence did _not_ trouble him. In fact, it felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Then the guilt and the grief came surging back, and he remembered...

**...Five years earlier...**

_Shinji sat in the cockpit of Evangelion Unit 01, Kaworu literally held in his extended, inhuman grasp. The other boy had, under the direction of the mysterious committee of SELEE, come to threaten everyone in Tokyo-3. He had taken possession of the four-eyed, crimson giantess that was Unit 02, and breached the inner sanctum of headquarters. There, Shinji had defeated Unit 02, and closed his own Eva's fist around Kaworu's pale, thin body. And Kaworu said..._

_"I thank you, Shinji. I wished you to take Unit Two from me. Otherwise, I might have survived much longer."_

_"Kaworu-kun, why?"_

_"I've been destined to live forever, even if humanity is annihilated as a result. However, I am able to die. To be or not to be. It makes no difference to me. Death is my only chance for absolute liberty."_

_"What, What are you talking about? Kaworu-kun! I don't understand what you're talking about! Kaworu-kun!"_

_"My last words. Now, please destroy me. Otherwise, you will be destroyed. Only one life form may escape Armageddon and inherit the future... And you are not the one who should die. You need the future, it is what you live for."_

_A pause, and Shinji's prisoner, who had been perhaps the only person he could ever truly call his friend, then smiled at him. "I thank you, Shinji. My life was meaningful, because of you."_

_And there, Shinji kept his oath. To defeat the enemy, the so-called divine messengers, whom Kaworu represented. The last of them. He obeyed, then, not the orders of his father, to kill the "angel" who had invaded, but the last request of his friend. He closed his Eva's fist, felt the life of that slender form slip through his very fingers, and watched that mane of silvery hair plummet to land in the sea of blood below._

_Later, he sat on the beach near where he and Kaworu had met, watching the sunset with Misato. _

_"Kaworu-kun said 'I love you.' To me! I heard those words for the first time... He was like me. Like Ayanami... I loved him. Kaworu-kun should have been the one to survive. He was much better than I am. He should have survived."_

_"No," Misato's voice cut across from where she stood, not looking at him. "The ones who survive are the ones who have the will to do it. He wished for death. He abandoned the will to live for the sake of a false hope. You were not wrong."_

_And then, as a numbness began to settle over him, Shinji looked down to the ground at his feet. Sighing, he could only say, "You are cold, Misato-san."_

**...The Present...**

Shinji realized there were tears in his eyes, tears he had thought were dry years earlier. He gritted his teeth, furious with himself for feeling like a weak little boy again, and wanted to shout. He wanted to demand that Kaworu tell him how he could ask a boy to kill his only friend. How he could have betrayed his trust, or how he could have given up so easily. He wanted to be angry, but he could not. There was still too strong a part of him that just wanted to beg for the other's forgiveness. Then, that soft voice that was somehow strong invaded his thoughts once more, and he lifted his eyes to meet Kaworu's own.

"There is nothing to forgive, Shinji-kun," he breathed the words. "You may not understand it now... but you saved me, and redeemed yourself." A pause, and finally that warm smile faded, his eyes lidding. "I am sorry it caused you pain, but you were never truly alone."

"I... wasn't," Shinji realized the words were true, even as they tumbled from his lips. "I remember, now. You were there. The giant of light..."

Lips quirking and eyes glittering in a grin, Kaworu replied, "In the final moments of Third Impact, all were drawn to see their heart's desire. Some saw vain wishes, others saw reality. You saw aspects of yourself that were represented by those around you... And I was pleased to become a part of it." He turned away then, sighing, and asked, "Must we recall the past, though? I too have regrets, Shinji. I regret that in my flesh-born life I was the pawn of SEELE, that I was used... But you have broken the Old Men who would have become the Seven-Eyed God. You completed that which was begun... and now the balance can restore itself."

Not truly understanding all of this, Shinji knew that eventually he would have questions. He would want to understand what Kaworu did about the events of Second and Third Impact, and to know what the true significance of his own involvement had been. But not now. Now was the time to take the advice of Kaworu's song, and to simply make a move. He reached up to take the other boy's hand in his own, and said softly, "The song was good, Kaworu-kun."

Looking a bit surprised but also quite pleased, Kaworu allowed a slow smile to spread across his face. "I see you have grown in heart as much as in body, Shinji. I am... impressed with you."

His cheeks warming, not so much for the praise but for its source, Shinji gave a small bow of his head. "I just... wanted you to know I care about you, too."

"Thank you," the erstwhile messenger answered him softy, "But I never doubted that. I remember, at the end..."

"You remember?"

"Yes." Kaworu's voice grew even quieter, more distant. "With the other... Rei Ayanami. We became the union between Adam and Lilith, connected only by you."

"Yes... I remember it, too. I was afraid, until I saw you." Shinji found that he was surprised to recall this. He had only remembered the maddening confusion that had followed, the cacophony of foreign thoughts merging with his own and interrupting the perfect harmony of Instrumentality. They were silent then for a time, until Shinji suddenly stood.

"Shinji-kun?" Kaworu asked him, as if surprised to see him taking a decisive action on his own.

The other boy just smiled down at him, offering his hand again, and said, "If you like the park, I know someplace else you'll love even more."

A pleased, almost amused smile settling across his features, Kaworu took Shinji's hand and rose. "Then I would be most pleased to see it."

They took their time crossing the city, like boys wandering home from school. A small bakery drew their attention, and they had a dinner of meat buns and sushi from the place across the street. Passing through the area known as the Castro, Kaworu seemed rather distracted by all of the people -- many of whom had no distinguishable gender -- as well as the shops and clubs. "If you think this is something," Shinji laughed, "You should see this place on the weekend." Still, they made their way onward, and eventually found themselves standing atop the two small mountains that pierce the heart of the city, known appropriately as Twin Peaks.

The view was breathtaking. The city and bay lay spread out before them like a festival of glowing spirits dancing through a hall of light and mirrors. Both bridges were sparkling lines stretching across the obsidian water, while a shining barge drifted between them. Market Street was a line of fire down the middle of it all, and the park a mysterious black blot where no light shone. Shinji pointed out each of the places they had been, his voice vibrant with enthusiasm for his chosen home. Kaworu found that he was enchanted in spite of himself, and that he had freely given control of the evening over to the other. This was unexpected, a hidden treasure unearthed from a perfect evening.

"You are happy here," the pale young man finally observed, his smile now turning wistful.

"Well, yes," Shinji answered, turning from where he'd been pointing out the old prison across the water. He studied Kaworu's features, pausing in his explanation, and suddenly he was a boy again. Standing beside Misato on the hills outside Toyko-3, after the first time he'd piloted the war machine known as Evangelion. It was just that same kind of moment. She'd been showing him her home, then, and trying to make him see. Only now did he understand what that really meant. Home. Which suddenly brought a question to mind. "You're... staying here, aren't you?"

"Here?" Kaworu questioned, glancing down at the mountain below.

"No, I mean... in the city," Shinji said, but then stopped. He drew a slow breath, and moved closer to Kaworu. He added in a murmur, "With me. Kaworu, stay with me."

"Of course, Shinji." Kaworu's smile seemed to steal away the lights of the city, pooling all their power into his eyes. "What I told you before is still true. Do you remember?"

How could he forget? Shinji leaned forward then, and surprised the other boy by sliding his arms around his waist and drawing him close in a tight, almost crushing hug. "I'll never forget. Kaworu, what I wanted you to know is... I love you too. I always have, ever since." There were tears in his eyes, then, as the words came out.

"Shinji..." the other began, but then fell silent. This was a moment that needed no words, and they both realized it. Instead, he completed the embrace, resting their heads together, and let the quiet music of the night -- a sound which only they, of all those in the city, could hear -- wash over him.

**_To be continued…_**

**Author's Comments: **

Okay, so this was a long time in coming. For those actually reading it, thanks for bearing with me! I'm very busy lately, particularly due to school, and my personal life has left me somewhat frazzled. This chapter is a bit shorter than the first, I know, but it felt right to end it here. I have more planned, and will write it as soon as I can. Please feel free to offer critique along with commentary, though if you do so try to make it constructive. Thanks!


	4. Sweet sea and blooded shore

_"When you are but slightly involved in the world, the effect the world has on you is also slight. When you are deeply enmeshed in affairs, your machinations also deepen. So for enlightened people simplicity is better than refinement, and freedom is better than punctiliousness."  
Back to Beginnings, Reflections on the Tao_ by Huanchu Daoren

**Free Will**  
A Neon Genesis: Evangelion Story.

**Chapter 4: Sweet sea and blooded shore.**

**Tokyo-3, ****Japan**

Maya Ibuki had a problem. Stationed at the Japanese branch headquarters of NERV, she was in charge of the data gathering division. Her department would go out into the field, taking samples and surveys, and organize it to be reviewed. She would personally go over each report, and then present it to her superior in the data processing center, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. Dr. Akagi would then analyze the information using the powerful MAGI computer system and work with Maya on implementing an appropriate solution. They would often go together to report their findings to the National Environmental Restoration Venture's project director, Gendo Ikari. Normally, everything went smoothly and they solved each problem as it came up. Ikari would give his terse, almost callous approval and then after work she and Ritsuko would hit up a local bar and chat the night away. They used to go with a group of friends and coworkers, but lately it seemed like they were spending more and more time alone. That was the way things went when everything was normal. However, the latest batch of data was anything but the usual. The samples of pollutants from the waters covering Old Tokyo often showed oil or other harmful chemicals, but never anything too toxic. This time, though, there was one thing in great concentration, above and beyond all else. This foreign element could not be explained, and she'd triple-checked the analysis on what it was. Just an hour ago the dive teams had brought in a dozen secondary samples from all over the bay, and the data had been confirmed. Now, as she walked the long, clinical white hallway with its tinted windows which led between the tower of the Peripheral NERV System to the Central NERV System, she found herself wondering... how in the world could she possibly explain to Ritsuko that a pollutant was filling the waters as thick as an oil spill? That they had no idea where it was coming from? Most of all, how was she supposed to explain that it appeared to be -- each and every test had confirmed it as -- human blood.

**San Francisco, USA**

It was by all accounting impossible, Shinji reflected, for him to be sitting on the back deck of his townhouse and smelling the rich scent of the ocean. Not a single day since he moved in had he ever been able to smell anything other than the coffee house next door. And yet, as sure as ever, he could smell it. He sat on a folding chair cradling a cup of still-hot coffee in his lap as he watched the Saturday morning unfold. As the mist burned away and the city set about its business, he felt oddly conflicted. This was contentment, happiness; peace. And yet, he could not help a nagging sense of concern. Perhaps he was simply afraid that things were going to well. Good never came without bad nor happiness without sorrow. His life had taught him that, if nothing else. The trick of it was to continue living, despite the bad. Here, though, he felt that everything was settling perfectly into place. Surely that was itself a problem? Still, it seemed almost that there was something more... but these thoughts were driven from his head when the door to his room slid open.

The previous night, Kaworu had (in an almost comical reversal of that night Shinji had stayed over at his apartment in Tokyo-3, years earlier) insisted on sleeping on the floor. "It is, after all, your place," the pale young man had noted with a sly grin. Now he appeared in the doorway, still wearing the borrowed set of too-big purple silk pajamas that Misato had given Shinji as a housewarming gift. "In case you meet any sexy strangers who want to have a sleepover," she'd joked. He couldn't keep a broad grin from creeping across his face as he watched the would-be angel step gingerly onto the wooden deck. Kaworu's hair was all fluffed out as though flustered after being so rudely taken from its pillow and one thin hand shielded his crimson eyes from the sunlight. He looked tired, but still he offered Shinji a warm smile.

"Good morning," Shinji said brightly, leaning back in his chair.

"It is," agreed the other, carefully making his way to sit down across the small patio table from his host. "Coffee... it smells good. I never knew you could make it."

Laughing, Shinji noted, "That happens when you work in a coffee house... but the place downstairs is better than the one where I work. People come there for the atmosphere, but here, they just want their fix." He offered the cup across the table, noting, "It's a bit of Sumatra with some vanilla... not as sweet as chocolate, but good to wake up to."

"Mmm," Kaworu said as he tipped the mug to his lips. The hot, bittersweet liquid scalded his tongue just slightly as it slid past, the warmth seeping throughout his body. Almost immediately he seemed more awake, more himself. He kept the mug, wrapping his long, pale fingers around it and smiling through the steam at Shinji. "It tastes even better."

"You think that's good," Shinji grinned, "then let me make you breakfast."

"I would like that very much," came the reply, nearly a purr.

**Tokyo-3, Japan**

_Ikari_, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi thought to herself, _is going to chew my ass off_. She stood before a vast tank of crimson liquid which had been carefully filtered out of the seawater. There was now no doubt that the substance was the blood of a human being, which was disturbing enough given how many hundreds of gallons of the stuff they'd been filtering out of the water. There could be some explanation for that, certainly, but further analysis had revealed a new wrinkle to this already well-bunched fabric. Reflected on her terminal screen was the data from MAGI Caspar, which seemed so ready to disregard her sense of logic. The blood, it seemed, all perfectly matched a single DNA pattern. There wasn't even any decomposition, as if it had just been drawn in a well-run laboratory. The thought of so much blood having come from any single source was nearly unfathomable -- there would have to be almost a sea of it somewhere -- but to make matters even stranger, the DNA pattern had been instantly recognized by another of the tripartite computer system, Melchior. Ritsuko picked up the telephone received and said evenly, "Get me Ikari. It's important." As the switchboard operator politely complied, Akagi's gaze never left the screen. How would the director react when told that the blood polluting the sea somehow, inexplicably belonged to his own son?

**New York City, USA**

Rei Ayanami awoke with a sharp gasp and sat up in bed. A quick glance at her bedside clock informed her that it was nearly noon, and she automatically switched off the alarm before it could sound. Rising as she threw back the covers, she padded down the short hallway to the kitchen and ran a glass of water from the tap. She popped a couple of aspirin and washed them down with a sip from the cup, just as the fog over her mind parted and the pain began to recede. It wasn't a headache after all, not a real one which could be fixed by pills or caffeine. She'd been dreaming... something about a circle of dark figures and a sea of blood. A table... or was it an altar? Ikari. It had something to do with Ikari... but she felt no distress from Shinji, across the country as he was. In fact, he seemed happy. The presence of another familiar mind told her why, even as she realized... _Kaworu, what are you doing?_ Could he be acting as a messenger once more, or was this another force she felt? She dumped the glass in the sink, then walked quickly back to her room to pull on some pants and pack a bag. Grabbing her phone and keys she slipped out of her apartment and took the stairs down to flag down a cab. As she rode to the airport, she made a call.

"Moshi... mushy..." came a groggy voice on the other end of the line. It was probably the middle of the night there.

"Forgive me, Misato, for calling at this hour," Rei said in Japanese.

"Rei?" came the surprised, somewhat clearer voice. "Is something wrong?"

"No, ma'am. Everything's fine... I just need a favor." She glanced at the cab driver, who seemed to have no interest in her conversation.

"Better be important, calling at..." Here her former guardian trailed off and then finished lamely, "Whatever time it is." Misato Katsuragi was much of a 'morning person.'

"It is. I need to talk to Kaji, please."

"Kaji? But wh--"

"So it's for me, then?" Another voice cut in; smooth, male, and completely awake.

Misato could be heard faintly, "Fine, just _grab_ the phone... I'm going back to sleep."

"Sleep well my sweet," Kaji said playfully, and then his attention seemed to turn back to the conversation. "Rei, I'm glad to hear from you. Whatever can I do to help you at such an unusual hour?"

"I'm sorry to bother you both, but I need something and I knew you could get it for me." Rei held a hand over the receiver and hissed to the driver, "Not that airport, the private strip in -- yeah, that one." Speaking to Kaji again she said, "I need a private flight to San Francisco, please. It's very important... I need to go see my brother."

To his credit, Kaji didn't even hesitate in saying, "But of course! I'll get that set up for you right away... are you still in the Big Orange?"

"Apple. They call it the Big Apple. And yes, that's where I am."

"Yes, of course. Just go and see Enrique, he'll take good care of you. Now, I think I'd best attend to the ruffled feathers of my darling angel..."

Grimacing faintly at the thought of whatever Kaji and Misato might be about to get up to, Rei said hastily, "Thank you, Kaji. I appreciate it."

"No problem, I'm always glad to help a friend. Ciao!" He hung up. Rei settled back into her seat and let out a sigh of relief. If Kaji said he'd handle it, then it was as good as done already. Now she just had to find Shinji.

**Tokyo-3, ****Japan**

"Thank you, doctor. Please keep me advised." Gendo Ikari set down the telephone receiver and stepped away from his desk, clasping his white-gloved hands behind his back as he looked through the full-wall picture window out across the bay. Certainly her news was troubling, though not for any of the reasons he supposed one would expect. Shinji was fine, according to his sources, and apparently reunited with an old friend. Aside from that, there was quite obviously far too much blood in the water for it to have come from his son's body. Thus, it seemed more likely that someone had cloned a large amount of blood using Shinji's DNA. Ikari was unsure why anyone would do such a thing, but he suspected it had nothing to do with conventional science. As he watched the shore road he saw a pair of headlights come into view, and knew that Fuyutsuki would be arriving shortly. Together they would consult the texts and see what this particular portent might mean. When they had some idea what they were dealing with, then they would discover how Shinji was involved.

**_To be continued…_**

**Author's Comments: **

So, I've finally updated a bit more quickly, and things are actually starting to get moving! (It's almost shocking, really.)

I have another fic planned in the near future, for a different fandom… which should be interesting. I'll likely make Free Will somewhat shorter than I had originally expected, and more of a contained story rather than an ongoing, wandering plot. (I can always write sequels later, if the mood strikes me.) I'll continue to try to get updates out on a regular basis, particularly as long as my original fiction muse remains dormant (or oppressed, as the case may be). Reviews would be greatly appreciated, thank you!


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